Kids In Trouble
by Karen Rudge
The following article (with some variation) was first printed in Vista magazine in May 1981. Pat Leali was the Vista editor. It is still relevant today and will hopefully provide you with some helpful insight.
Proverbs 31:28 says: "Her children rise up and bless her." Unfortunately, we are living at a time when many young people are not rising up and calling their mother blessed. In too many instances, they are rising up to curse her.
In our many years of working with teens, my husband and I have seen several patterns that derail mothers from adequately fulfilling the high calling that God has given them. While doing everything the right way is no guarantee that your child will not be influenced by the many pressures facing our youth today, there are certain things parents do that almost certainly encourage their children to rebel.
Moms Who Don't Have Time
More and more mothers have become the family breadwinner. While some mothers must work, others work to feel fulfilled. Either way, many mothers are leaving their children with babysitters (or totally alone).
Many young people complain, "My mom just doesn't have time for me." On the other hand, some of these youth have mothers who do not work. The complaint, however, does not change. Mom is busy watching soap operas or daytime talk shows when the child comes home from school, or is working on a project of her own. When she tells her son or daughter continually, "I don't have time to listen right now," the doors of communication close.
A child needs a mother's time, her listening ear, and her total attention at a time when he or she has something important to share. In a mother's busy day, there should be a few special moments set aside for each of her children, a time that belongs to him or her alone.
Moms Who Can't Say "No"
Many young people must make important life decisions on their own — decisions about what is right and what is wrong. These young people have never been taught. There are no guidelines in their lives and no example to follow. Their mothers don't want the hassle of saying 'no'.
It amazes me what many Christian parents let their children listen to and watch. Then they wonder why they develop rebellious behavior, bad attitudes, and smart mouths. While we can't totally shelter our children from the world, we must establish Biblical guidelines in our homes and families.
Rick was 15 years old. One night some of his friends approached Rick's mom to see if he could come with them to a certain dance that night. Hours: 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. Rick's mom was torn. Since she did not want to hurt or embarrass her son in front of his friends, she left the decision up to him. Then, anguished with her indecisiveness, she called me.
She shared with me over the telephone that she had really wanted to tell Rick 'no' but felt that she couldn't do that to him. "I was surprised Rick wanted to go in the first place," she told me, "because he's a Christian now."
I told her that peer pressure is a difficult thing for a teen to deal with. "I really believe that Rick was relying on you to tell him that he could not go," I said. "That would take the pressure off him. Friends understand when a mother says no."
"If you feel that a place such as this dance is not a place you want your son to go," I continued, "and you are not happy about the hour he will be coming home, tell him so. Explain your reasons to him. I think he'll be relieved you've made the decision for him."
She took my advice. She told Rick he could not go. More importantly, she took the time to explain her reasons why. Rick informed his friends and when they had gone, confided in his mom, "Thanks, mom. I really didn't want to go; I was hoping you'd say 'no'."
Teens do want their parents to say 'no' sometimes, even at times parents may think they truly want them to say 'yes'. A mom walks a fine line many times, but with God's help, it is one that will help her child to mature and grow.
Moms Whose Homes Are Not In Order
Young people seem to see right through us. For some reason, they have a certain x-ray vision that enables them to determine what is real and what is fake.
I remember talking to a young girl whose mother was always doing things for the church and others. This mom was in church more than she was at home. Everyone thought she was the perfect Christian, the perfect mother. Everyone but her daughter.
It seemed that this mother was so busy pleasing everyone else, her family ended up at the bottom of her list. Because she was so busy, when she came home (finally) she was tired and upset. She took all her frustrations out on her family. Home became a battleground.
Sweet and kind to outsiders, to her daughter she became a perfect example of what the girl never wanted to become. This young girl turned on her mother; she rebelled. Her remark? "I've seen my mother play two different roles — one for people and one for me."
No wonder the apostle Paul admonishes believers to have their homes in order before taking leadership positions in the church.
Moms Who Are Bad Examples
We can never begin to teach our children honesty and truth when we ourselves have double standards. Many parents warn their teens against drugs while they themselves are popping sleeping pills, tranquilizers, diet pills, sedatives and vast amounts of other chemical additives.
While yelling at their child to watch his/her language and tone of voice, they are screaming and using course language or watching TV programs, videos, or movies with the same language on them. Teens aren't deaf. They hear their parents gossiping and engaging in foolish and coarse joking.
Many mothers cry because their child is caught drinking. Yet that same mother will take a beer or some wine for relaxation, pleasure, or for "medicinal" purposes. Still, other mothers are relieved when they find their child has gotten drunk. "At least he's not on drugs," they will say. What they don't realize is that alcohol is a drug — as a matter of fact, alcoholism is America's biggest drug problem.
When was the last time you told your child, "Tell him I'm not home. I don't want to talk right now." We call that a little white lie, but it registers otherwise to the teen. Those same mothers will be upset later when their son or daughter cheats on a test or lies to them about where they have been. But in little ways they have been taught that what you don't know won't hurt you.
Many moms are heartbroken and want to know why their child has rebelled. Often it is because they wanted their children to "do as I say, not as I do." It doesn't work that way.
Become A Godly Influence
The Bible says in Ephesians 6:4, "Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Instead of continually nagging, set guidelines for your children to follow, explain to them your reasoning, then find ways to motivate and encourage them to excel.
One day our children will be on their own. We will not be available to stand by their side and choose the right clothing or place to go. Our job is to make sure they know the right way; the pathway that God lays out.
If your children are young, start to train them today in the way they should go. Be the godly influence they need.
If your children are already teenagers, it's not too late. Allow the Lord to work in you, and one day your children will see the positive change. In time, they will want it for themselves.
Have family devotions together. Let God's Word become an important part of your lives. God's Word never comes back void. What you invest in your children now will reap a harvest later.
It's not easy being a parent today, but with God's grace and help, one day your children will rise up and bless you.
